Chp4

     After getting everything resolved with Jay, i've been feeling much better. And after having an awesome show, things really have been picking up for me. And i owe it all to Jay though. Because of him, allowing me the opportunity, i met a lot of high end people such as top notch designer's, celebrities, musicians, and artist. All of whom which are interested in my designs and seeking business from me. When the day comes, i'll make sure i properly thank Jay for it, but in the mean time i'm focusing on me. Me and Jay have a pretty solid friendship, we call and check in with each other if we feel we haven't talked to each other in a while. And we make sure we support each other on little events or something like that. Like for instance, Jay is getting ready to open up his club he has been establishing for some time now, and i'll stop everything that i'm doing just to be there. Jay has been a good friend to me since i first met him. But at times i question our friendship when he's always trying to lecture me about things. I feel as a friend he should take my side, thats what i would for my friend. But oh well. At the end of the day i respect all that he has to say and i still have love for him.

     On a more personal level, i've been seeing this guy for a few weeks now. His name is Will and he's a cop. I met him at Chris's Halloween Party. He was actually a friend of Jay's or more like acquaintances Jay would say. I felt a little weird about talking to him at first because he was Jay's friend and all, but Jay didn't seem to mind so why should I. Since meeting him, we've been over several dates but we haven't had sex or anything. I want to see how serious things get between us before i go giving out the goodies. Although i gave them away to Paul, that was more of a different situation. Paul and I had a physical relationship, i mean he liked me and all, but he wasn't my type he just had good sex. And by good i do mean G O O D! And speaking of Paul, i haven't seen him in a while. Come to think of it, i haven't seen or heard from him since he last came over. I've actually been so busy with work and Will that i've completely forgotten about him.

     And speaking back on Will, he was on his way over to the house. You know just to come over in chill. Aside from going out all the time, i never been to his place and he's never been to mines. And well since Kelly was out handling business i figured today was a good day. I was so excited about seeing Paul because he's always makes me feel good. Whatever i want or need he see to it that i get. I guess you can say that he spoils me and I love it, it's what i'm use too. I love that he doesn't mind when things are all about me. Those are the type of guys i usually go for. And if you are not financially stable to the point where you can't support the both of us, then i wouldnt even bother. I mean i know i got my own money, my own place, my own car, and my own company, but i feel it's the man's job to make sure his woman is taken care of, therefore he should provide. Even my ex back in college, i never had to want for anything because he took care of me. But as i said before we ended because of our different views on things. He didn't want me to work at all, he just wanted me to be a stay at home type of chick and let him work and take care of everything, but it was not happening. I feel like while i'm making money, i could be spending it as well. I guess i kind of look for a guy like my father because he spoils all 3 of his girls, but he also lets us be who we want. Now i know not all the time we may agree on things, but at the end of the day he respects our decisions. I felt like Will could be that guy, but we'll see.

     Looking at my watch, i noticed it as 10 minutes past the time Will was suppose to be arriving. And just as i went to call him, i heard a knock on the door. And when i went to check the peep hole, i saw Will's big bean head all up in the door. I thought it was so funny.

"Hey Baby..." i said happily as i opened the door and jumping into his arms as he picked me up and squoze me tightly. "Is that a gun or are you just happy to see me." I joked, being that Will was indeed a cop.

"Whats up babe..." he said carrying me into the apartment. "And both." he said smiling.

"Did you miss me?" i asked already knowing the answer. I just love hearing him say it.

"Do you even have to ask....of course i did." he said planting another kiss on me.

"I know...i just love to hear you say it." i said as Will put me down and we made our way to sit down.

"How was your day?" i asked.

"Even better now that I'm with you..." he said very smooth like.

"Well looks who's trying to work there way into the cookie jar..." i teased. "But your going to have to work a little harder then that sir!"

Will laughing "Oh is that right?" he replied, flirtatiously.

"Yup..." i seductively nodded.

"Weeeeell...." Will started off "first thing's first..." he said reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small box. I just knew it was jewelry and i became overly excited. I love gifts. "This is for you." he said handing me the box.

"It better not be a ring." i joked, but halfway serious.

Will chuckling "No baby...it's not but just open it."

I opened the box and saw that it had a set of 14k white sapphire earrings with the necklace. My face lit up and i thought my eyes were about to pop out my head, they were so beautiful.

"OMG....WILL....they're beautiful." i said leaning over to kiss him. "I love it baby...thank you!" i said kissing him yet again.

"And thats not all...." he said moving in closer and grabbing ahold of my hands.

"It's not? There's more...." i said becoming super thrilled and eager to know what was next.

"What do you say.....you and I, get away for a weekend and we can go anywhere you wanna go?" he said not knowing what the hell he just said to me.

"PARIS!" i jumped right out and said. It's always been my dream and i was going to get there by any means necessary.

"Paris huh..." Will said laughing at how i responded. "Well you know baby if we go there, we can't stay for just the weekend." he said.

"And why not?" i said becoming confused and a bit mad.

"Because Paris is too beautiful for that, we at least have to say for like a week. And in 2 weeks, just a few days after Thanksgiving i'll have a week worth of vacation time, so we can go then.."

"OMG!" i said jumping on top of Will. "Where going to Paris!" i screamed still on top of Will. "Your working hard for the cookies huh?" i said playfully as i laid onto of him.

"Well as much as i would love to taste your cookies baby...I'm really just doing it because i really like you. And i love everything about you, from your smile, to your laugh, to the way your nose crinkle up every time you get excited. And i just want to make you happy and see you smiling, that's all." he began.

     Lord Jesus, this guy is really something else. He almost got me about to give in. Be strong though Bey, you don't want to rush it. Just stick to the plan. I keep having to tell myself. But it's so hard, when this guy is so good to me. Oh and did i mention how good he looks. And the crazy thing about it we're not even official yet.

"Ohh baby...your so sweet." i said beginning to kiss Will and went on for a minute there on the couch until we got interrupted by somebody knocking on the door. Both Will and I were pretty irritated by being interrupted. "Oh God....who can that be?" i said beginning to get up.

"Hey baby...i'm gonna go into the kitchen i'm feeling a little thirsty." he said as i made my way to the door.

"Ok." i said. Before opening the door i checked the peep hole to see who it was. I hate just opening the door for people because what if i don't want them to know i was home. And my eyes widened when i saw that it was Paul standing on the other side of the door. I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. I turned back to see if Will was still visible because i didn't want any controversy. Once i saw that he was gone into the kitchen, i opened the door to step outside and speak to Paul. He was standing there looking as fine as he want to be.

"Hey there love!" he said in the most sweetet voice ever.

"Paul..." i said slowly "What are you doing here?" i said trying to talk low so Will wouldnt here.

"I came over to check on you. I haven't seen nor heard from you in a while, whats going on?" he asked all concerned.

"Oh." I didn't want to break Paul's heart, but it what it is "Look Paul.." i began. "I don't know how to say this but i'm just gonna come right out and say it." And when i said that, that smile brushed away from his face quick as hell. "I've been seeing somebody. And i've been busy as ever with work and everything which is why i haven't been able to call you. Im sorry." i said sincerely.

"Oh i see." he said all sad like.

"Paul your a great guy and all but you just weren't the guy for me, you know...And any girl will be lucky to have you." i said trying to boost his spirit back up.

"Yea, i hear you." he replied.

"If it means anything....im really gonna miss you."

"Im gonna miss you too Beyonce. And i wish you the best, i really do." he said just before walking away.

"Thank you.." i said very lightly, my voice was starting to crack because it really did hurt me in a way.

Paul looked at me for a brief minute, getting his last little glance before taking off. "Paul." i said causing him to turn back. And when he did , i stepped in to kiss him. Things didn't have to so bad.

"Your one hell of girl Beyonce." Paul said just after i kissed him. And with that being said he hauled his way back up the hallway to leave. And i stood there watching until he made it down to the elevator. And when he did i went on ahead back inside.

"Willlll?" i called out, as i made my way back into the apartment.

"Yea...." he responded. "I'm in the kitchen." I walked towards the kitchen and met Paul at the entrance. "Whats up babe?" he said with a mouth full of food.

"Ew can you close your mouth." i joked, but a little disgusted. "And nothing i was just seeing what you were doing."

"Oh." he said licking on his fingers. "Who was that at the door?" he asked, and of course i wasn't going to lie.

"Nobody really, just some guy i use to fool around with but it was nothing serious." i answered.

"What you mean it wasn't anything serious and what did he want." he asked, and i could tell he was getting mad a little bit.

"Calm down." i replied. "And just like i said it wasn't anything serious. It was just a physical thing. And he came over to check on me because he haven't heard from me in a while." i said being honest.

"How long did it last?" he said coming with another question.

"Does it matter?" i asked back.

"Im just trying to understand things thats all. How it is that you can have a physical relationship with some guy for how ever long it lasted, i don't know....but you don't give me anything?" he said becoming even more mad.

"Well if you really wanna know, i can get technical with you. If thats what you want." i said. Now i was getting mad. "Did i like him, NO. Did we fuck from time to time, YES. Do i have any feelings for him, NO. Did i tell him i was seeing somebody, YES.And just like that i ended it in the hall way." i snapped.

"So why am i just now hearing about this. Why didn't you tell me about him in the beginning?" he asked, practically yelling.

"First off lower your voice." i began " And secondly in all honestly, i just forgot. And Thirdly, i didn't even think we would make it this far. And another thing, we're not official so who i choose to fuck or was fucking is none of your concern." i snapped again.

"Oh is that how you really feel." he said once again yelling.

"It sure is." i  said. At the point i was fueling and i was fed up. I was not about to stand here and argue with him. But before i kicked him out, i was at least going to try and compromise. "Look, i understand how your feeling and everything, but you need to understand where i'm coming from." i said trying to calm things down. "I really like you, Will, i really do. Thats why the way i do thing with you are a bit different because i feel we could possibly go somewhere."

"Well i find it hard to tell." he said, still with an attitude.

"Damn, you act like i lied to you or something." i replied.

"NO, it's not even that. You should have been upfront with things from the beginning." he said raising his voice for the last time.

"OK...you know what. If your gonna yell and scream and be like...you could leave because i aint with all that." i said pointing to the door.

     Will didn't even say another word, he just left just like that and had the nerve to slam my door. I sat in the kitchen for a few minutes, trying to gather my thoughts, and try to register what just happened. That little dispute kind of tired me out so i was going to go in the room and lay down. The minute i stepped foot into my bed room. KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK. Somebody was at the door. Who the fuck could it be? i thought. I figured it was Will coming back to apologize, or Kelly coming back from working. I really didn't want to answer but they would have kept knocking and disturbing me anyway.

"WHO IS IT?" i yelled from the back of my apartment as i approached the door. It was clear that i had an attitude.

"It's me.....Jay."

Immediately i fixed my attitude. Before opening i did a quick mirror check then opened the door.

"Yes?" i said opening the door.

"Whats going on?" he asked "I heard yelling and a door slam, so i came to check it out."

"Oh, I didn't even know you were home, and it was nobody but Will throwing a hissey fit..." i said steeping out of the doorway so that Jay could walk in.

"What yal got into it or something?" he asked seeming concerned.

"Yea i guess you can say that." i said trying to play it off knowing damn will we did.

Jay and I made our way to sit down so that we could finish our conversation. "So what yal fight about?" he asked.

I pretty much gave Jay the whole run down from top to bottom about the whole situation, because i honestly felt i did nothing wrong. And if i know one thing, i know Jay wasn't going to had back on telling me the truth.

"So who is Paul?" Jay asked trying to get a better understanding and so i told him. "OH, but you said you did tell him that you were seeing Will right?"

"Yea. And he was cool about it. But it's not like Will and I are bf/gf anyway, we're just dating." i replied.

"You see what i told you..didnt i tell you this was going to happen." Jay began. "For him it's more then that unlike for you. Did you let him know that in the beginning."

"Yea but no. It's one thing to date somebody and it's another thing to have somebody as your gf or bf. We haven't even had sex, he hasn't stayed over, i never been to his place and today was the first day he's ever been over here."

"Whats this?" Jay asked, picking up my box of Jewelry becoming distracted.

"Oh something Will gave me." i answered. "And did you hear me." i asked trying to avoid having to repeat myself.

"Nice." Jay replied. "And Yes i heard you."

"Thanks." i said then finished on with the story. "And on top of all things we were just talking about taking a vacation to Paris for the week, then next thing i know he's flipping out."

"Paris?" Jay asked all surprised.

"Yea...but i guess i can kiss that goodbye." i sighed.

"You know what your problem is." Jay began.

"What?" i asked, wanting to hear what he had to say.

"Your selfish..." he said like i was suppose to take that lightly.

"Selfish?!"

"Yea selfish and inconsiderate.....You only into things unless they're beneficial for you and your so into yourself that you don't know how to have that type of relationship with a guy because of what your use too. You need to learn how to compromise and let a man be a man."

"First off, i have no problem with letting a guy be a man. And yea so, i desire certain things and i like what i like. But what girl doesn't?" i asked beginning to get upset, but i was more so offended. "Why should i lower my standards, change my ways, and compromise who i am for somebody else. I've worked hard to prove my independence and make a name for myself. And growing up i never had to want for anything, my daddy saw too it that all his girls were taken care of." i snapped.

"See perfect example right there." Jay argued back. "Do you hear yourself? Im sorry to tell you Beyonce but your in the real world, Daddy is not always going to be around. Your gonna have a husband one day you can't always depend on other people to do things for you. What happens when you have a child, a daughter. Do you really want her to grow up with that type of mentality?!"

     Damn, I thought to myself. Am i really like that. And the last thing i would want is for my daughter, is for her to feel like she has to depend on anybody. I want to teach her to be independent. I guess i'm so use to having things my way and controlling the situations, that i don't know how to take somebody telling me no.  Especially somebody like Will because do like him and all. And now that i'm thinking about it, i do feel where Will is coming from. But he also has to see where it is that i'm coming from. But i'm not one for kissing ass or running after anybody, it's just not me.

"Do you think i'm really like that?" i asked Jay, sincerely wanting to know.

"Yes." Jay simply replied.

     I guess i was just frustrated about Will still or just didn't want to hear anything that Jay had to say at the moment because after he said yes, i just started spazzing out.

"Well for one you don't know me AT ALL if you think i am anything like that. And i don't care how you feel or what you have to say because I KNOW ME. It's funny how your the only one to ever tell me that." i said out of irritation.

"What you getting mad for? Im just being a friend and telling you like it is because I  don't see nobody else doing so. And you already know since day one i've been real, i don't know why your acting like right now is anything different." Jay snapped back.

"You know what JUST LEAVE, ok....i don't have time for this right now." i said getting up to show Jay to the door.

"If you want me to leave i'll leave. Thats not a problem. But your gonna realize how right i am and how wrong you are." he said as he walked out the door.

"Yea, yea, yea whatever! I should have never opened my door for you that day. I should have left you on the other side of the door with it closed." i said slamming the door in Jay's face.

     How could Jay say that? i asked myself as i headed off into the room. My head was spinning from all that just happened as well as from what happened earlier between Will and I. At this moment and the way that i was feeling, it was like to hell with Jay and Will. I have enough friends already and there's plenty of fish in the sea to be trying to be tied down to one. And with B.K about to take off, that should be my main focus. I don't want to lose sight of what I'm trying to establish. And who knows, maybe sometime in the near future when i have time i can work on trying to fix things between me and Jay, but as of right now i really could care less.
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     Work today was really a drag. After realizing what happened yesterday I just felt terrible about how i went off on Jay. I was more concerned about my friendship with Jay then i was about m relationship with Will. The only i was where i'm at now, happy and in a good space was because of Jay. If it weren't for him getting me out there into the world and connecting me with all those people, i would be sitting in my apartment miserable or stressed out trying to figure out a way to fix things. But why would Jay even want to speak to me after the way i treated him at my place. I felt sick to my stomach because i know i'm nothing like that. I would never treat somebody like that who i would call my friends. And i don't blame Jay if he doesn't ever want to speak to me again. I really wouldnt.

"Bey?" Angie said noticing me not being my typical self. She was finally back working with me after having surgery. Well she had her tonsil's pulled, but thats surgery right? "You okay?" she asked coming over towards me.

     I was out in the front of the store sitting on the sofa, looking out the window but not really focusing on anything but just deep in my thoughts. I had been sitting here for the past 30 mins now, which was odd because i'm either up doing something or in my office working on some designs.

"Yea...im fine." i said knowing that i really wasn't.

"Are you sure because if you want to talk, we can talk?" she said as she sat down aside of me.

"Yea I'm sure...i just got a lot on my mind thats all." i said not really in the mood to talk.

"Well you know i'm here for you if you want too." she said getting back up to go finish what she was doing, instead of sitting there trying to pressure me to talk like many other people would do.

"I know...and thanks Ang." i said just feeling the need to thank her.

"No prob. Thats what family is for." she replied then went on about her business.

     I stayed there a few moments longer before going to the back in my office. There, i tried to conjure up some stuff to do to distract me and keep my mind off of things. But it seemed like nothing was working. But my thoughts completely went away when Angie came back here telling me that it was some guy out there asking to speak to me. Immediately i thought it was Jay, so i rushed out there to go see, only to find that it was Will.

"Oh Will..." i said in a bittersweet tone. It's not that i wasn't happy to see Will, i just was really hoping that he would have been Jay. "What are you doing here?"

"I went to your place and you weren't there, so i came here......Can we talk?" he asked.

     I looked over at Angie who was still standing right there, but giving her that look to let her know we needed our privacy. But i didn't want to discuss things out in the open so i took him into my office. And once we got seated and situated i began talking.

"So whats up?" i asked, jumping straight into it.

"I....Well..." Will started off, i could tell that he was nervous. But i was going to let him get his words out the way he knew how. "First off...i want to apologize for the way i reacted the other day. But i couldn't help it, i should of listened to you and heard you out. And if you give me a chance, i'm willing to hear you out now." he said apologizing.

"Well let me just start by saying all is forgiven...And i probably should have told you about Paul in the beginning but you have to believe me when i say i honestly had forgot all about him." i replied.

"You know what..." he began "Thats doesn't even matter to me baby...because at the end of the day all i care about is you and what we are trying to establish. I should have took your word for it. I guess i just over reacted because i just like you so much thats all."

"I understand that, but if we're going to continue on there are going to be some things we need to discuss. Like for instance are relationship status. As much as i like you Will...i just have a lot i have on my plate right now to try to establish a solid relationship, meaning i'm not looking for anything serious. I would though like to continue dating and see how things work out like that?" i said hoping he would find it okay.

"I'm cool with that." he responded. "Just as long as you give me another chance to try to make something happen. I would hate to just let things slip away with out at least trying to see where we can go."

"And i totally agree." i replied.

"So does that mean where still on for Paris?" Will asked.

As much as i wanted to go to Paris, now just isn't the good time. And its breaking my heart to have to pass on it. 

"Unfortunately....im going to have to say no. Considering all that happened, i feel we need a fresh start, but this time at a slower pace."

"I can respect that." he said being respectable. "But i do wanna ask you something though." he added.

"Go ahead." i said.

"Ok, don't take this the wrong way but i do just wanna get this out there...."  he started off. "As far as sex, will be....will you know?" he said seeming like he was unsure about asking me.

"Im glad you brought that up actually.  If we plan on working towards something serious, then i plan on waiting 3 months because thats enough time to be like yea, this may actually go somewhere you know. But i'm not saying that it want happen sooner because i feel like it should happen naturally and when i feel the moment is right, then it will happen." i explained.

"Ok and i can respect that too." he replied. "So where do we go from now?" he asked.

"Well, I'm free later on. And I'll be getting off around 5, so..." i began to say as i checked my calendar and schedule. "How about you come by my house around 8, and we can talk more about things over dinner."

"Thats sounds like a plan." he stated seeming happy.

"Alright....Well i should be getting back to work.." i said beginning to get up to walk Will out.

"Ok..." he said as he stood up. "I'll see you later then." he said opening his arms to hug me. Will and I hugged and he gave me a kiss on the cheek. From there he left and i finished up on my work, until 5 o'clock came. Wednesday are normally the days i tend to close early, but all the other days beside Sun/Mon because i'm off those days, all run until 8.

     The ride home was smooth, i was in a much better mood. All the way until the time that i got home. Having to walk pass Jay's door just brought back memories of Jay of the first time i saw him, the first time i ever been to his place, and just things about Jay in general. By the time i got to my door, i was back in the state of mind that i was in earlier. But i was feeling a tad bit better after making things right with Will.

When i walked into the house Kelly was on the couch, staring off into space grinning from ear to ear. Seeing her like this totally lifted my mood, because for one i thought it was funny because she had no idea i had even walked in and secondly seeing Kelly smile and happy always makes me feel good.

"What you cheesing about?" i said interrupting her.

Kelly jumped because she was so into her thoughts that when i said something it scared her. "OH Bey!....you scared me." she said sitting up, as she held her chest.

"I see..." i said laughing. "So what got you all smiling and what not." I said kicking off my heels as i sat down on the couch.

"I met a guy..." she replied as if she were in some type of trance.

"A guy?.." i said pretending to be shock because Kelly was always pulling dudes. "Where at?"

"Yes..." she said seeming happy  "I was walking down by the flower shop on 44th and curtsey, I had just finished my morning run so i had stopped by Chester's to get my morning coffee and will as i was coming out we sort of bumped into each other, and i spilled my coffee all over me. But he was so sweet and apologetic that he took me down to a boutique and bought me a new outfit, and asked me to have breakfast with him, and after breakfast he brought me home and we exchanged numbers and we're going out officially tomorrow for lunch. And i can hardly wait." she said rambling on with out even taking a break to breathe.

"Well it seemed like you had a lovely morning..."  i replied. ".....unlike me."

"Aw BB, why not?" she asked all concerned.

"Because...." i started off ".....Kel can i ask you something?" i asked, changing the course of the conversation. I was still thinking about Jay and what he said. And before getting into things i wanted to talk to Kelly and see what she thought about me. "And be honest with me."

"You know i will." she replied. And i knew she would.

"Do you think i'm selfish?" i asked, waiting to see what she would say.

"Are you selfish? Where is that even coming from?" she asked back.

"Well before i tell you the story i want to know what you think....so am i selfish?" i asked again.

"Well as far as being a selfish person, No....BUT you do have selfish ways though." she replied.

"WHAT?!" i said a little offended, because this was all new to me. Why would Kelly out of all people think that i'm selfish, when she's probably knows me better then any body else.

"See don't take it like that..." Kelly began "Im not calling you selfish...i just said you do have selfish ways, but thats ok because i'm like that too and thats just how some people are."

"Well what makes me selfish?" i asked, trying to get a  better understanding.

"Well it's like this....." she started off  "You, your use to having things your way and when you can't control the situation or if something's not benefitting you then it's like you switch up real fast and don't think twice about how it effects the people around me....Now don't get me wrong...Your loving, Kind, and hell of generous....but your spoiled Bey and you always will be because of where you come from and what you desire in life...you feel me." she said breaking it down for me.

"But i don't get how when it was ME who started my own company, i'm paying for my own place, i've bought me my own car...everything i have ever did was all because of me and what i did." i argued.

"Not quite..." Kelly argued back "Because did you forget that it was Ty and Angie who was there since day one when you started B.K, they put in just as much time and effort as you did. And Jay gave you the opportunity to expand beyond your horizon but did you ever really take that into consideration. And yea you don't have Mathew handling things for you, but you expect the guy your with to do all of those things he has done for you.....but yet you want to be independent. Face it Bey, you can't always do things by yourself. "

     After listening to Kelly and what she had to say, it really hit me. But why when Kelly says it, i'm able to understand more. I guess with Jay, he was somebody that i liked, and i wasn't use to people telling me about myself, and because Kelly and have such a good solid friendship, i'm gonna to take in what she's says to the heart because i value her opinion so much more.

     After i gathered my thoughts and relaxed myself.  I told Kelly about the whole argument with Jay and i came to the conclusion that he was right and i was wrong. And i feel the need to have too be right all the time even when i know i'm wrong, like with Will for instance. But that was all going to change. I wanted people to see the real side of me, underneath all the fancy clothes and jewelry and make up, because materials things don't mean a thing too me. Because like Jay said beauty fades and it's who you are on the inside that will show your true beauty. And i wanted Jay to be the first to see.


THANKS FOR READING. HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED. BE SURE TO LEAVE A COMMENT AND A NAME. LOVE YOU ALL, UNTIL NEXT TIME!!