Chp5

     It was now the middle of December, a month since everything has happened. And things between Jay and I are still unsettled. I know i said I'm not one to chase after somebody, but i was wrong to even think like that. Once again, i've tried calling Jay, emailing him, i've left voicemails, sent text messages, the whole nine. I can't believe he is that mad at me, but then again i can. With his birthday just passing and his grand opening of his club approaching i really felt the need to reach out to him. But i was having no luck. And i haven't even been seeing him to even try to talk face to face, mainly because i've been in and out of states promoting B.K, setting up deals, closing deals, networking, and working on new projects such as a perfume line and a store expansion of B.K. So my plate was pretty full.

     

     Will and I barely have time to even see each other now, so that means we're still not having sex, and it's been nearly 2 months since the last time i even had any. And it's been almost 2 weeks since we last been on a date, but we text, talk, and skype all the time. I have made so many adjustments in my life within the past month, that i wake up every morning feeling good about myself. Not that i didn't before, but because I'm doing it to better myself. Every time you see me it's like your seeing a whole new me. I've been wearing less make up, or on some days none at all. I still have my extreme fashion style, because that to me still is a must. But i'm more often thanking the people around for their support and love and let them know how much i appreciate them. Just last weekend i treated Ty, Angie, and Kelly out just because. And with me being so busy lately, and not really getting a chance to kick it, i want to be able to plan for more weekends like that.

     It was Wednesday, and it had just hit 5 o'clock, with 5:15 to be exact. I left it up to Angie and Ty to lock up because i wasn't feeling well at all today and i just wanted to go home and get some rest. As i was coming off the elevator and onto my floor, i heard a lot of commotion coming from Jay's apartment, it sounded like a bunch a yelling and fighting. And as i walked past the door, i saw that it was cracked open so in a situation like this i could either do two things, One, being just go ahead on about my business or Two, see what the hell is going on. Now i was in no way trying to be nosey or anything , i was just confused as to what it is that was going on. So i stood on the side of the door , where i could look in to see, but all i could see was some woman and part of Jay. So i had to really  listen out.

(Inside Jays Apartment)

"What do you want Stacey? HUH" Jay said all in rage.

"I want you back baby....im sorry....i shouldn't have done all those things to you." she said trying to sound all apologetic, but i saw right through it just like i know Jay did.

"You must be out of your FUCKING MIND...to think that i would take you back after you aborted my child, and on top of that you FUCKED MY BEST FRIEND. You got to be kidding me." Jay said snickering.

"But baby....i was young in foolish...i got caught up in the life. Remember what you use to tell me, people may mistakes all the time. And i was one of them." she said sounding completely stupid. ""How many time did i forgive you for all your wrong doing." she went on to say.

"BIT---" Jay said catching himself "You must be STUPID or something. Our divorce has been final for 3 months now, where was all that apology shit then, huh..." he said as she stood there speechless. "Right my point exactly. Your still the gold digging slut you were back then that you are now. You found out you weren't getting shit, now you wanna come crawling back. BITCH PLEASE." he said finally releasing it out. And i don't blame him because she deserved it. "And as far as the shit i did, nothing compares to the shit you put me through!"

"Ok..." she said "I know your upset right now and you have every right to be. But if you ever really loved me like you say you did then i hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Because for me it's still not over baby and i want give up on us. I just want." she said going in to kiss Jay but he rejected her.

"Dont FUCKING touch me...." he said trying to restrain from yelling. "I believe you know where the door is and how to use it." he said dismissing her as he walked off into another room, leaving her there feeling dumb.

     And it wasn't until i heard heels clicking against floor, as she slowly approached the door that i hauled ass down the hall to my apartment, good thing i took my heels off when i got on the elevator. But i still got caught trying to get into my apartment because my damn key decided to get stuck in the door. And when she came out into the hallway she just had to look my way, but i pretended not to see her. And she went on about her business and got on the elevator where I'm pretty sure she cried. Then i waited til she was good and gone before i went down to Jay's place.

     When i got down to the door, i saw that it had still been left open so i decided to go ahead in. I still had my shoes off so Jay wouldnt have heard me coming through his apartment. I checked all the open areas of the house first before going into any rooms. And when i got to what i assumed was his bed room, i tried to open it but it was locked.

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK "Jay..." i called out as i knocked on the door "It's me Beyonce, open up the door please...i wanna talk to you." I said very sincerely, hoping it would open it. I was really feeling for Jay and i knew he could use someone to talk too.

     Jay didn't open up the door right away, but i knocked a few more times and called out to him until he finally opened the door. And for a minute we both stood there staring at each other not knowing what to say. But i knew i had something to say.

"What was all that about?" i asked Jay trying to get the full story of things as well as break the tension.

"Nothing..." Jay replied as he went to go have a seat on the bed.

"Well are you okay?" i asked walking into the room behind him.

"Yea...im good." He said but i could tell he was lying.

"Do you want to talk about it?" i asked trying to see where his head was at.

"It's nothing to talk about.....thats old news." he replied very sharply.

"Oh, ......well I'm just saying...she must have really meant something to you because otherwise you wouldnt be sitting here moping or what ever it us your doing." i commented.

"You must think you know everything huh?" he asked me and i could tell he was being funny towards me.

"Look Jay..." i sighed. "Im sorry for the way things went down between us at my house that day....there's not a second that  doesn't past where i wasn't feeling guilty or bad about it. You were right and i was wrong, and i just didn't want to hear that coming from you thats all." i said hoping he would forgive me.

     He didn't even say anything he just sat there , with his hand balled together at his face. And you could see all the aggression in his face and i didn't want to add fuel to the fire, i felt i spoke my peace, so why stay any longer if he's not willing to listen. So i proceeded to leave.

"Beyonce...." Jay said, as i made it out into the hallway.

(Jays thought)

I know me and Beyonce had our little dispute and everything, but her coming to my side even still after us not speaking really showed me a different side of her. And i didn't mean to take my frustrations with Stacey out on her, it's just that the two of them remind me of each other by how they act or atleast how i thought Beyonce acted. Which was part of the reasons why i said could never like Beyonce in that way considering all that i went through with Stacey. I didn't want to experience that again. But i had to forgive Beyonce, it's only right. And besides, i've been missing her.

     After Jay called my name i started to just keep going and not look back, but it's something about Jay that made me stay and  come back. I walked into the room yet another time, and stood against his dresser for support, because despite it all i still wasn't feeling well.

"Im glad your here Beyonce......really." Jay began. "And i want to apologize to for spazzing on you like that  just a minute ago. I didn't mean it."

"It's okay....i know your kind of down right now so i totally understand." i replied.

"But thats the thing...you don't understand..." Jay started off.

     I sat there listening as he began telling me stories about Stacey and how they had met. Jay was out in LA, doing business and trying to do what he does best which is make money. Jay started off self-employed and still to this day he is, but his hustling ways and his determination to succeed is how he turned 250 dollars into a half a mil and from there Jay continued to make investments and is now a multimillionaire. He owns about half of New York already. And when he met Stacey he was still on the rise of trying to get his self financially together, and the fact that Stacey was older then Jay and didn't care too much about what was in his wallet, was what made Jay fascinated by her. But over time, he noticed her behavior change as the money started flowing in.

     Come to find out after about 5 years into their marriage Stacey began sleeping around on Jay, and she even got pregnant. But Jay found out about the cheating before he knew anything of her being pregnant. But once he found out she was pregnant, he stayed in tried to work things out. They were together for 3 years before they got married, and was married for about 5 years, and was separated for a year, because Jay was trying to work things out for the sake of the baby, but it was hard for Jay to look past the infidelity, so thats when he filed and she went and got an abortion. It tore Jay up because he was looking forward to her having the baby because he felt like if they didn't work out he would still have the baby. But it dint work out like that.

     Then Jay went on to say how much i reminded him of Stacey in certain ways, which was why he told me that he could never like me in that way. Because he didn't want to be hurt again. And after he told me that i realized why he was telling me all those things and said that we could only be friends. That girl broke his heart to the extreme and he will probably never be able to fully give love to a woman the way he did Stacey because of that. He also admitted to not being fully faithful to Stacey in the beginning of their relationship, but when he saw that things became serious then he slowed down. He went on to say how it was karma and that Stacey was paying him back for what he did to her, but at the end of the day 2 rights don't make a wrong. And what she did was just flat out wrong.

"Wow Jay..." i said still in awe. "I am soooooo sorry." 

"I mean it's cool, because at the end of the day life goes on. It's just fucked up when you think that you really love somebody or that they really love you and they turn around and fuck you over. The shit is messed up." he said sounding so strong about it.

"Jay.....you are a strooooong person, a very strong person. And your sweet as pie..." i said causing him to laugh. "Your sensitive, but not overly sensitive, your charming, your smart, your giving, your loving, and to some it all up you have a good spirit...your a good person. And anybody who takes advantage of that and doesn't appreciate you for all those things is not deserving of you." i said trying to butter up Jay.

"Thanks, that the nicest things someone has ever said to me." Jay said playfully letting me know he was in a better mood, but he meant every word.

"You are silly..." i said giggling, as i nudged Jay. By this time, I had made my way to the sit down next to Jay.

"Thank you Beyonce..." Jay said grabbing ahold of my hand. "Your a good friend...and i'm glad to have you as one."

     And now that Jay and I were back on good terms, i felt like my life was whole again. And i was determined to keep it this way. Because Jay and I weren't speaking to each other for so long, i felt like we needed to make up for lost time. And with me missing his birthday, i figured i would make up for that too.
.
.
.
.
.
    With Christmas being in a few days away, and the fact i havent been speaking too or seeing my family in a while, i decided to head back home for the holidays. And with my nephew being here and a little older, i couldn't wait to get there. Its gets frustrating with trying to make time or balance out your time with having to work and wanting to spend time with your family, but atleast when Solo gets here, i'll have someone so i want be too alone.

I had just touched down in Houston. I was walking through the airport trying to find baggage claim, for some reason i was just so lost this morning, but after about 30 mins i found it. And before i had a chance to grab my things, i felt somebody jumping onto my back. I was scared at first until realized it was Solo, so i didn't have to bust out in ass kicking mode.

"Girl what the hell is wrong with you, jumping on me like that?" i said still a bit frightened from it.

Solo laughing "Im sorry. But i've missed you Boogie." she said hugging me extremely tight.

"I've missed you too LO." i said happily. I loved my sister so much.

"So are these all your things..." she asked.

"Yea...just those 3 bags." i said pointing to them.

"I figured you would have a lot of things, so i brought back up because i am in no mood to carry shit, ok." she replied in laughter. Then out of nowhere Solo signaled for a guy to come over, but i wasn't sure who the hell the guy was. "Bey this is Big Mike" she said as the man approached and boy was he big "He's airport security, but he's cool as hell, he always helps me out when i come through."

"Hey Mike..." i shyly said, i was not about to call him Big.

"Whats up?" he said with a deep chuckle.

After that Solo instructed him to grab my things, and we followed behind him as we made our way out the airport. I was admiring my sister the whole time at how different and grown up she has become. I just couldn't believe it. But  she was still my little sis.

"Mom and Dad isn't with you?" i asked noticing nobody in the car as we approached it.

"Nope just me. Mom is at home with the baby, and Dad is at work, as usual." she replied.

"Oh. Ok." i aswered. "Thank you Mike." i said after he finished putting my things in the car.

"Here you go." Solo said to Mike, handing him some cash. "Thanks again." she said.

"No problem, Anytime, and thank you." he said.

After that we got in the car and burnt out. In the car Solo and I did a lot of catching up. I told her about the business, I told her about me dating Will, and I even told her about Jay. Not so much because i felt i had too, but by us not seeing each other as often as we should, i just had to keep her updated with things, especially if she's going to be moving to NY.

She told me somethings about mom and dad, about how they've been acting, but it was all the usual. Then she started speaking to me about Daniel and Juelz. About how Daniel is always gone working, but things between them are getting better, because he might be getting a new job. But she seemed really happen and like she had things together, versus last time when we talked and she was telling me how she was scared to have the baby and things going bad between her and Daniel.

But the conversation did end in laughter and joy, when we begin taking trips down memory lane and talking about things from the past, mostly funny and crazy stories. We talked the whole car ride, all the way until we got home. But the laughing and fun didn't stop. Because when i walked into the house, Kelly and my mom were sitting in the living room having them a little blast session of their own. And it's crazy beaus i had no idea Kelly was even going to be here. But it's cool because she's practically family.

"Kel, why did you lie to me. You told me you weren't coming?" i said pretending to be disappointed. But in a way i was.

Kelly giggling "Thats because i wasn't for sure if i was coming for real, with work and everything. But yea, I'm here. I got in a couple of hours ago."

I lightly hit Solo as she walked passed me to go and get Juelz. "And why you didn't tell me. You knew all this time."

Solo laughing and rubbing here arm "Don't be hitting me. And i thought you knew" She said then focused her attention on Juelz ".........Come here Ju Ju, mommy missed you." she said as she picked him.

"Yal all play too much." i said. "Anywho Heyyyyyy mommy!" i said sounding like a little kid. "I missed you sugar..." i said going over to greet her.

"Hey baby and i missed you too." she said getting up to accept my hugs and kisses "How have things been?"

"Things been alright, B.K is doing extremely well and i even got to be apart of fashion week." i said proudly. I couldn't remember though if i had already told my mom about it, being that we barely get a chance to speak.

"Ohhh baby, thats wonderful. And i remember you telling me something about fashion week, I'm sorry i couldn't come." she said seeming excited for me. "Have you been dating anyone?" she asked switching the subject, completely. But somehow i knew it was coming.

"Moooooom...." i said very bashful "You know i hate telling you stuff like that because you get all crazy and start asking about grandkids and marriage." i teased.

"You aint lying." Solo blurted out.

My mom darted her eyes at Solo "Well what do you expect i'm your mother...." she chuckled. "And besides your approaching 25, time is ticking." she went on to say to me.

"GOD you are annoying." i joked. "But if you really want to know, i have been dating someone but i don't really like him as much as i thought i did."

"And why is that?" she asked.

Knowing that this conversation could go deep in a matter of words, i made my way to sit down. "Well i mean he's nice and all, sweet, and gives me whatever, but i don't really feel connected to him the way i do---......" i said stopping because i know the minute i mention anything about Jay, this is going to turn into a game of 21 questions  but it was too late.

"The way you do what or who?" my mom asked, suspiciously.

"Just this guy ma...." i said in  low tone.

"Well baby your gonna have to elaborate because first you tell me about one guy then your telling me about another, i didn't know you were even into the whole dating thing being that i have never seen you bring home a guy, well not to me anyway." she stated.

I knew that i had trapped myself by even bringing up Will, because it's like all my thoughts of him, turn into thoughts about Jay, because i be wishing for Jay to be the one i bring home and spend time with. Unwillingly i went on to explain to my mom about me and Jay's relationship, not giving her all the details because she doesn't need to know everything but letting her in on the loop because maybe she can explain to me what to do.

By this time, Solo had went off somewhere in the house with the baby, while Kelly ransacked the kitchen. Man that girl can eat. My mom and i talked and talked, and she told me stories, some that i thought were pointless, but i would never tell her that. Then came the moment of truth.

"Mommy, im so confused, i don't know what to do." i whined.

My mom laughing "I don't know what to tell you baby, because if you ask me the both of you are crazy. Yal try to pretend and act as though yal don't like each over, when yal know yal do. That sounds like some high school mess, i wouldnt be surprised if you wrote him a note saying if you like me check yes if not check no." she went on to joke.

"It's not funny maaaaaa....." i whined some more,  i was in no mood to be made fun of. "I really like him though."

"Then tell him that, because this little game yal got of cat and mouse is not going to last very long." she added.

"But I'm scared." i replied.

"You, scared....ch." my mom responded.

"Well yea, because what if he rejects me again?" i asked.

"Again?" my  mom asked confused.

"Yea...." i answered shamefully "I told him before that i liked him but he told me he didn't like me that way at the time, but now things are different."

"Well if things are different now, then why is it so hard?" she asked.

"Because....im not use to putting my feelings out there and I'm not use to chasing after guys.....and knowing him, i doubt he ever put his feelings out there like that as well." i answered.

"Well it's sounds like the both of you are a bit foolish of you ask me...." she said beginning to get up "I just don't know what else to tell you. Between the both of yal one of you are going to have to step up."

I sat there pouting as i watched my mom get up and walk out the room. Talking to her left me more confused then ever, but i can say she was right about one thing. Jay's and I lack of communication as far as telling each straight up like "yo i like you." But it's easier said then done. For a while i sat there thinking to myself, trying to tell myself that i can do it. That i can tell Jay and you know what, thats exactly what i was going to do. It's time i put my big girl panties on and woman up. I don't want to keep wondering what if, what if...this time i actually want to know. And the minute i got back to NY, i was going to make sure that i told Jay exactly how it is i feel.
.
.
.
.
.

     I stayed in Houston for about a week, almost. I flew back with Kelly because she had a few events she was going to be hosting and with the New Year arriving, there was going to be a lot of parties and things like that going down in the Big Apple. So i had to return. After touching down, Kelly and I parted ways promising to meet back up later, or atleast try. I went back to my room completely exhausted because it was still early, so the minute i got in and got to my room, i just sort of passed out.

     I heard my phone ringing a few times while i was sleep, but i was too tired to even get up to check it. After going off a few more times and the vibration from the phone against my nightstand breaking my sleep, was enough to wake me up. I checked the time and it read 12:47. But it felt like i slept much later. My phone was still going off in the midst of me getting up, i answered the phone still sleepy and all that, i didn't even know who i answered the phone for.

"Hel--" clears throat "Hello." i said trying not to sound like i just woke up.

"Oops, did i wake you." the voice said.

I had caught on the the voice but i checked the caller ID just to be sure "Oh hey Jay!" i said happily. "And no you didn't wake me."

"Oh okay, well good afternoon, how was your holiday?" he continued on.

"It was good...." i said adjusting myself to sit up. "I actually just got back this morning from Houston."

"Oh word." he replied "I just got back from NJ." he said chuckling.

Me giggling "Really. Thats weird, So how was your Holiday?" i asked back.

"It was good, i got to see my Yai Yai and my mom and everyones, especially my niece and nephews, i love them." he said seeming like he was smiling, i could just tell by the way his voice change when he started speaking about them.

"Well, it sounds like you had a really nice time." i added, i was was happy for him.

"Do you have any siblings?" he went on to ask.

"Yea....i have a sister.." i said not knowing if i told Jay already but i guess not because he was asking. "But she just had a baby boy back in October, so yea...im officially an Auntie." i said sounding just as happy as Jay did when he spoke about his family.

"Thats good, congratulations." he said, as the silence soak in. "All this talk about the holidays and family, made me forget the reason why i called." he laughed a bit.

"Whats up?" i asked.

"This friday i'm having a big New Year's bash at my club, and i wanted to know if you would come?" he asked, but he should have already known the answer.

"Of course i'll come.  You didn't even have to ask." i replied.

"I know, but it just always feels better when i ask, thats all." he stated.

"I understand." i said as the silence crept back up.

And as the silence broke, i began to go in thought....Maybe i should tell Jay now, but over the phone. How does that look? So many thoughts rushed through my head, but before i could i come to a decision on what to do Jay started talking again.

"Beyonce...Beyonce..., your still there?" he asked.

Omg, was he saying something that i missed i thought.

"Yea, I'm still here." i replied.

"Oh i thought you hung up on me for a second." he joked.

"Nooo, i didn't." i answered chuckling.

Jay laughing "Well i gotta get off this phone anyway. I gotta go ahead and get showered and get ready for today. I got a lot to do, over the next 2 days."

"Oh okay...." i said a little sadden. "Well alright."

"Don't be too sad..." he said trying to cheer me up. "I was planning doing something later, it felt like i haven't seen you in forever."

I smiled at his thoughtfulness "Yea your right.....so what did you have in mind?" i asked curios and excited to know.

"Well we can talk about that a little later, but right now i really need to get ready." he responded.

I sighed at being shut down by Jay because i wasn't ready to end my conversation just yet. "Ok, just call me later or something."

"Ok. Talk to you later." he said then hung up.

     After hanging up with Jay, i sat in bed feeling more confident then ever about telling Jay how i feel. Him secretly planning ways to make time for me i admit was great gesture. It lets me know that his feelings for me are either mutual or i hate to say it, was just a friendly gesture. But i'll accept what ever it is Jay is trying to do, because once i talk too him i know it well change things, and when we meet up later on that will be when we talk. BUT who would have known, that Jay had to cancel and the next time i saw him was on the night on his party.

TO BE CONTINUED>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

THANKS FOR READING, I HOPE YAL ENJOYED. BE SURE TO LEAVE A COMMENT AND A NAME. I REALLY LOVR HEARING YOU GUY'S FEEDBACK, IT REALLY MEANS A LOT. I'LL HAVE AN UPDATE FOR YOU ALL TOMORROW OR WHO KNOWS I MAY JUST HAVE TO DOUBLE UPDATE TONIGHT. *KANYE SHRUGS* WE'LL SEE. =) UNITL NEXT TIME......